We Need An Anti-Fat Pogrom

Every day, you see them, carelessly walking the streets.

Great big, hulking parasites, their belts straining against their bulging waistlines, a drain on our great society.

There can be no doubt the sort of person to whom I refer.

 It is time, meine herren, we underwent this kampf.  It is time to settle this issue once and for all.

A 'final solution' to the obesity question, if you will.

I propose we form an organisation. We shall call it the "National Association of Skinny Individuals".

Gathering under cover of darkness in the nearest 24 hour gym, we shall greet each other with a quick arm wrestle, to ensure our continued vitality.

Then our campaign begins.

It shall start with the night of the long fries.

Angry mobs will converge on the nearest McDonalds, smashing in the windows and beating up any overweight patrons. Soon afterwards, there will be a mysterious fire at the local mall, targeting all the fast food shops.

This we shall blame on vegans.

Fat people will slowly begin to lose their rights.

First they will be banned from office jobs…and any other occupations that involve a lot of sitting down. They will be forbidden to drive…in the hopes they will walk more.

Train or plane tickets will have to be bought in pairs in order to accommodate their greater girth. Meat pies and chocolate bars will be taken off supermarket shelves. Crowds will gather for fast food menu burnings.

Soon, anyone with a BMI over 30 shall be forced to wear a badge on the front of their clothing. This shall be in the shape of a cream bun.

Then, once they are good and cowed, the true cleansing shall begin.

I understand that our foes are legion, over 1 in 3 Americans and 1 in 5 Europeans. However, from a purely academic point of view, I note that such resourceful individuals as Stalin and Mao worked against odds at least as great.

The constitution shall be amended. Arnold Schwarzenegger shall be elected president, with Paul Ryan as his deputy.

Police shall be stationed outside polling booths, equipped with tape measures, to bar anyone with a waist measurement over 40 inches from entering.

Congressional candidates will be forced to perform at least three chin ups before they can run for office. Presidential debates will be replaced with nationally televised rounds of chess-boxing.

Announcements will be made for the relocation of all obese people. They shall be told they are on a train for a never ending all-you-can-eat buffet.

Once they arrive at the fat camps, they shall be herded through the gates, the wrought-iron sign above proclaiming "Dieting Macht Frei".

Six months - that is the deadline.

They shall be worked night and day, toiling in our broccoli fields and apple orchards. They will eat only what they can sow, until they have lost weight.

Those who drop their BMI into the low 20s shall be set free. Those with a genetic excuse may be spared, but inter-marriage of the healthy and obese shall be strictly forbidden thereafter. Free sterilizations will be offered to the latter.

Those who fail shall be led to the cinnamon-scented gas chambers.

Now I understand, some may raise objections to Generalplan Fat.

I can very well imagine some wannabe Oskar Schindler sheltering 600 overweight people in his celery factory, or a little fat girl, hidden away by her family up in the attic, slowly writing a diary of her experiences -

Day 37 - I have not have a donut in over a month, I am starting to lose hope

Day 48 - Tried to go on a diet, but my parents found me last night gnawing on the floorboards

Day 69 - The days are all starting to blur together. I lie nearly comatose on my bed. When I squint, the light fitting almost resembles a Twisler...so hungry

Day 78 - A group of joggers went past this morning, I hid under the blankets in fear

Day 102 - Oh God, there's an ice cream van! Could it be a trap? I don't know, can't...resist...

Nonetheless, this is a scourge that must be eliminated. Causing 300,000 deaths a year in the US alone, our justification is clear. One massive shock, and the system will surely crumble, like so many Moon Pies.

Then, once all fatties have been scourged from the land, our overseas campaigns shall begin -

Starting with Mexico, and then the UK, we shall target every country by its rank in the obesity list...Poland being no. 20.

The Japanese, as the slimmest nation in the world, shall be our natural allies.

None shall resist our healthy-eating blitzkrieg. Together, we shall forge a new world order, and finally overthrow the Judeo-Bolshevik conspiracy that is fast food.

Heil Healthy!