My obsessive-compulsive disorder

Any fans of the Big Bang Theory out there?

If you've ever seen the way Sheldon obsessively knocks on Penny's door (always in sets of three) you may have some idea what obsessive-compulsive disorder looks like (its one of the things I like most about the show, despite what you may think, the characters are surprisingly authentic at times). Or maybe you're even a sufferer yourself? Or know someone who is? Its hardly a rare mental disorder and, luckily, usually not debilitating.

I'm glad to say that it generally isn't in my case. I'm not the sort of person who simply has to turn the light switch on and off twenty times when they enter a room, but I do get compulsions along those lines all the time. I always have as far back as I can remember, ever since early primary school at least.

There's a complicated system of rules involved, and a long list of certain situations in which such compulsions tend to occur most frequently. I've only ever explained to a handful of people over the years just how my own little system works, but today dear internet, I would like to share this with you. To those who've suffered obsessive-compulsive symptoms, maybe you can sympathise. For those who haven't, well this might get a bit weird, and hard to follow.

Its all to do with even numbers, and more specifically doubling numbers. i.e. 2,4,8,16,etc. I differ from Sheldon in this. If my manner of door knocking was something strongly affected by my compulsions, I'd never knock three times. I'd knock twice, or four times, or eight times.

When I was little, before I knew that there was a medical term for what I was experiencing, I just described it as 'the even thing', since that's what it was all about. A very simple example of a compulsion, not really even worthy of being considered part of an actual disorder, is when you, for instance, brush a part of your body such as an elbow against something else (such as a wall or some furniture, or another person) and feel compelled to immediately brush your other elbow against something else as well. Or you might scratch your ear with one hand, and then feel compelled to scratch your other ear with your other hand as well.

This isn't uncommon. Its along the same lines as trying to avoid the cracks in a footpath when you're walking along it. Kids especially tend to do stuff like this. There are many typical little superstitions we have and games we play. Its only when such compulsions grow increasingly complicated and lengthy, perhaps to the point where they become debilitating, that you're got real obsessive compulsive disorder on your hands.

However its not just the number of times I do an action, its the order as well, there's a standard sequence. Things have got to even out. A common example I have is when clicking a mouse while using a computer.

Very often, when I click the mouse button on whatever it is that I'm doing (which would be the left button) I begin my little sequence to even things out. The first step is simply clicking the right mouse button as well. However this is usually not enough. I'll keep going for longer until I feel truly, ah, 'satisfied' that everything has been 'evened out'. So I'll probably repeat what I've already done, but in reverse. So instead of 'left-right', I'll now click 'right-left'. So the sequence you've ended up with 'left-right-right-left'.

In binary, you could right it as 1001.

If I don't yet feel satisfied, I'll keep going. I'll repeat the sequence of four I've done, but now in reverse. So now it'll be 'right-left-left-right' in addition to our earlier clicks, or 0110.

However, in addition to just 'doubling' the numbers, I'll probably be counting the number of times I've doubled them. Now I started with one click, then doubled it to two, then to four, and now to eight.

That's three doublings, and you know how much I don't like threes...

So I'll probably double it again, to get 16, which I've always considered my favorite number. Its usually enough to leave me 'satisfied'. So the end sequence, after my original mouse click, will go like this -

left-right-right-left
right-left-left-right
right-left-left-right
left-right-right-left

Or in binary

1001
0110
0110
1001

So, are we all clear on that? Any questions?

One way or another, I do this very often, if not quite all the time. My compulsions are at their strongest when my mind isn't  fully preoccupied, like when I'm bored or alone. Mouse-clicking is one example, but there are many others. When touching various objects such as doors, bench-tops, the steering wheel of a car (or even the pedals...when stopped of course). It could be simply tapping my fingers together in sequence, or my elbows or knees, or my feet, or it could happen when typing. I sometimes go well beyond 16, to 32 or 64 or even higher. It depends on my mood, the circumstances and how preoccupied my mind already is. It sometimes goes on to the point where it gets quite annoying.

On many occasions for instance, I've clicked on a YouTube video to play it, only to start off on a sequence like this. Since the video pauses whenever you click the screen, it will stop-start each time I click it. Especially annoying is that since I always click the mouse button an even number of times, the sequence will always end with the video paused again. The only way to start it again is to click the screen one more time, meaning that I'll break the sequence by clicking an odd number of times overall. Now sure, I can do it, but it does make me feel distinctly uneasy.

Often, to get around this problem, the first click will be to start the video, and then I'll complete the rest of the sequence on another part of the screen, usually in a corner somewhere, where my mouse clicks won't actually cause anything to happen. This doesn't always work though. On many occasions I've clicked on an advertisement or a link to another page by accident, and then will have to backtrack to the video (yeah, I warned you this might get a bit weird).

Also, I strongly suspect that these little numbers games I play in my head are linked with my useful skill, ever since I was little, of being good at multiplying numbers in my head. I'm not quite freakish at it. It would take a while for me to times together a pair of 3 or 4 digit numbers. But something like 37 X 412? Give me a few seconds and I'll have the answer.

Perhaps the most common situations in which I do this don't just concern numbers, but actually language and grammar as well. Very often when I'm reading a book, or listening to someone speak, I'll be sorting the words I see/hear by my own little system I've devised over the years. It's to do with making things even of course, but doesn't just involve the number of words. It will usually involve trying to balance out an even number of words with an even number of syllables within a sequence.

So lets just take that sentence - 'It will usually involve trying to balance out an even number of words with an even number of syllables.'

What I'll start doing is picking out groups of words that follow a particular set of rules. We aren't aiming to collect every word in the sentence, just to keep adding groups of them as we go along to form a nice, satisfying sequence. Each group has to include at least two words. Each of these groups must have an equal, or otherwise even, number of words and syllables within them. So for instance a group of two words that combined have two syllables would qualify, or two words that combined have four syllables, or eight, etc.

So 'it will' qualifies, there's our first group, and we've started a sequence that will probably result in a 1:1 ratio of words to syllables. The next groups would be 'out an' and 'of words with an'. Together these three groups would give us a sequence of 8 words that combine to have eight syllables. Nice and satisfying.

Again though, we can have different ratios. Rather than starting with 'it will' we could go straight to 'will usually involve trying'. That group has 4 words with 8 syllables, that's a 1:2 ratio. You could follow it up with 'even number' and then 'even number' again. That's two groups of 2 words with 4 syllables each. In total, we've now got ourselves a sequence of 8 words with 16 syllables.

So there we go, a nice even sequence, symmetrical from all angles!

A group like 'trying to' would not count, as it has 2 words and 3 syllables. Or 'trying to balance', which has 3 words and 5 syllables, or 'to balance out an', which has 4 words and 5 syllables. If they can't fit into our system, they're rejected and bypassed.

More than anywhere else, I usually catch myself doing this when watching a movie with subtitles.

There are a few more rules to this little numbers/words/syllables game I so often play. For instance, a word with an apostrophe in it, like 'don't' or 'can't', actually counts as two words in my system, but just one syllable. So a group of words like 'I don't believe' or 'he won't accept' would qualify to be parts of our sequence, as both have four words and four syllables. Groups have to consist of at least two words, but over time I've allowed my self the luxury (even if it still makes me feel a bit naughty) that groups can consist of an odd number of words, as long as it is still at least two. So a group of three single-syllable words and another group of five single-syllable words could form a sequence, since together they add up to have eight words and eight syllables. Clear on that? I'll admit I'm not always totally strict with myself playing these little mind games.

So what do I do once I've finished making a sequence? Well I could keep going a while longer. If I've got a sequence made up of eight words/syllables, I might expand it out until there's sixteen or thirty-two. I'll keep picking little groups of words out of whatever media I'm viewing, be it a video, a book I'm reading, or even someone speaking to me. But eventually I'll finish things up at one of those doubling numbers, and then move on to the next sequence. I might do this a few dozen times in the course of watching a film, or reading a chapter of a book.

As I said before, it tends to happen more when my mind isn't preoccupied. Its something my mind just automatically tends to do, when its stuck in neutral, to amuse itself. Weird huh? Sometimes I play the game using letters and words instead, so 'weird huh' would be a suitable group, since it has 2 words with 8 letters between them. Its nice and even!

If by now you're thoroughly flummoxed by just how weird and complicated this all is, perhaps this might help -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDwTQ57YyzI

 It's the opening of a film called 'Stranger than Fiction'. It stars Will Ferrell as a character who is severely obsessive-compulsive. If you want some insight into the mind of an obsessive-compulsive person, its a great film to watch. I'm nowhere near as extreme as the film's main character, but it will give you some idea. The general theme is that he's constantly counting things, and then acts in specific, repetitive ways. Every day of his life when he wakes up to brush his teeth for instance, he'll "brush each of his thirty-two teeth, seventy-six times, thirty-eight times back and forth, thirty-eight times up and down". He's the sort of person who'll walk up a flight of stairs and count them automatically out of sheer habit, etc. Another frequent symptom of OCD is a strong urge to neaten and clean things all the time, though that's not something I'm all that strongly affected by (much of my mother's chagrin).

Anyway, so that's a brief summary of what's been going on in my head, on and off when it comes to my actions and behavior but always lurking there in the background, for much of the past fifteen years. For those who know me, if you ever do happen to notice me tapping a table or some other object in a noticeable pattern at some point in future, then these are probably the rules by which I'm doing so. I don't know if I'll ever stop playing these obsessive little mind games. I've just always excepted them as a constant part of my life, and probably always will.

And finally, I also wonder, and would like to ask, has anyone else got any secret, weird little, obsessive-compulsive habits along these lines that they'd like to share? Honestly, I'm all ears. Its nice to learn once in a while that you're not the only one with an odd secret you've rarely, if ever, shared with anyone. I do wonder, is my specific system of doubling numbers and evening out groups of syllables and words actually unique? Have any of the seven billion other people here on planet Earth happened upon the exact same set of compulsions?