After years of watching this strange land from afar, I finally had the opportunity to visit America recently. It was a short trip - a week in Washington and another in New York, then home, but it was illuminating in more ways than one. I had a few ideas in my head already as to what the country would be like, many of them negative, and I'm sad to say most of my suspicions seem to have been confirmed.
Nothing goes smoothly here
Within a few days of arriving, I was already thinking of that old children's book that goes "Fortunately, Unfortunately." Every day we'd go out and see something new - but always something would go wrong. Like, we fly into JFK airport, one of the busiest in the world...and the airtrain isn't working.
Our worst day there was the very first. It was a quadruple whammy of failures. First, the airline lost some of our luggage (though it was a Hong Kong airline, so that's not your fault) then we had to stand in line for an hour to go through customs and be fingerprinted (unlike 11 million illegal immigrants) then we had to take the bus to replace the above-mentioned airtrain.
The worst moment was when we got to the car rental place. We'd booked a car months ago with "Dollar Rent A Car". Firstly, when we got there, they added on all these extra charges despite explicitly promising they'd be none. There was this very bitchy black woman at the desk who said something about "taxes". Dad grumbled ("its sounds like a scam to me") but we were going to take the car anyway.
Then when they brought it out we found one side was all dented. We didn't particularly care about that either but when we asked for the damage report they just looked at us blankly. "We don't do that around here..."
- Complete rip-off, full of assholes, do not buy under any circumstances
By this point its about 3 in the morning and we're seriously pissed. We insist on something written down to say the car is already damaged. Eventually we ask the security guard on the gate, who obliges, but at this point bitchy black woman comes out and says the contract is cancelled. The scene that follows looks a lot like this -
In short - Dad refuses to give up the car without our money back and bitchy black woman calls the police.
Seriously, we haven't been in America three hours and are already having the police called on us. For a group of Australian tourists, I think this must be a new record.
So up turns this fat, bald Port Authority Police officer who looks like he couldn't catch a fucking cold, but he's fairly reasonable. He says the company can cancel the contract, but they have to give our money back. Bitchy black woman still tries to weasel out of this, returning the $150 or so she'd charged us that night, but the other $800 we'd already paid apparently went to a "third party" and we'd have to get it off them.
Eventually, we go over to Budget and hire another car, but as its last minute, it costs us about 2 grand.
In short - bitchy black woman cost us nearly three grand. As we finally got in the car to drive to Washington, the phrase "chewed up and spat out" kept coming to me, but at least we're on our way.
Oh - and if you ever pass by the Dollar Rent A Car place at JFK, please throw a brick through the window for me.
That was the worst night, but the maddening thing was that shit like this kept happening every single day. Now I understand why there are so many crazy people in America, because nothing around here seems to work smoothly.
The freeways we saw were huge, like ten or twelve lanes across (I believe more than any in Australia) but were often potholed worse than any I've ever seen back home. We hop on the NY subway, it seems to be running smoothly, but the announcements are so distorted we literally couldn't understand a word. We go to buy a ticket...and the machines aren't working. We go to use advertised "free-wifi" hotspots...and they aren't working either. We try and use the public toilets...and they're closed, in the middle of the day. There are plenty of hotels everywhere, but the taxes are so ridiculous we always did Airbnb. We went to watch a show on Broadway...and I found myself sitting next to an enormous fat guy the whole time.
One of the strangest moments was the first time we bought a loaf of bread and tried putting it in the toaster. We burnt it twice before we realized something odd was going on. The next time we watched it carefully. To our astonishment, we found the bread would cook almost instantly. Like, you've got an uncooked bit of bread one moment, then about twenty seconds later its burning.
To those who had grown up in a country that still eats real food, this was astonishing to watch. I realized, chewing on it thoughtfully, that we weren't actually eating bread - we were eating a giant sack of sugar someone had cunningly disguised as bread.
Nobody has any common sense
This was just as great a source of frustration. At least twice a day I had to resist the urge to gouge my eyes out at people's stupidity.
One example was when we went to the holocaust museum in Washington. It was great, but it turns out there's a rule at this particular museum. You are only allowed to go through the revolving door at its entrance one at a time.
As annoying as this is, what's worse is that there was a woman there, who's entire job seemed to consist of giving this "safety briefing" so that everyone knew it in advance and ensured none would enter these jaws of death unprepared.
- Duuuun Dun...Duuuun Dun
This was particularly annoying the second time we went in (the first was to get our tickets). There was no one in front of the door except an elderly couple the girl was explaining this to, so we went to walk right in. This prompted the girl to turn to us and say, in the sweetest, politest, most how-dare-you-ignore-me-at-your-own-peril voice "Um, excuse me! Excuse me sir!" and explain that she hadn't finished giving the safety briefing to the old couple and we'd have to wait our turn.
For a split second, I honestly thought my dad was going to murder her, and I'd have happily joined him behind bars. Shortly afterward, we also drew the wrath of a security guard when we stepped over a knee-high fence and walked across the lawn near the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial.
But I think the worst example of all was at the Empire State Building. There was a security guard there who's entire job consisted of policing the ramp at the entrance of the observation deck. He couldn't go thirty seconds without telling someone off for some minor infraction ("no leaning on the ramp! No stopping on the ramp! No taking pictures on the ramp! No sticking your head out beyond the ramp!")
In my mind, I like to think of him as the "Warrior of the Ramp". I feel I could devote a whole article to him.
People love lording their power over others
I don't know how to describe it exactly, but in America, its like everyone's absolutely aching for a fight, particularly if they know they have the government backing them up. I've already mentioned bitchy black woman from Dollar Rent A Car, but she wasn't the only one, and far from the only black female one.
At the entrance of the Natural History Museum, a black female security guard kept coming out and telling off any kids for sitting down on the steps while waiting in line. They weren't blocking anyone, and I can't conceive of any real reason for this other than simple assholery, and never mind the reason the line was so long was because of the ridiculous security checks.
This sort of behavior felt very common in America. On another occasion in Washington, we were driving back to our apartment through a narrow street. A black women, who looked to be a parking inspector or something, was standing by a parked car writing in a notepad. She was standing in the middle of the road, blocking our lane.
As there was traffic coming the other way, we had to stop and wait for her. This prompted her to look up. My dad stared at her. She stared back. Dad waved for her to get out of the way. She kept staring at us, until eventually the traffic cleared and we were able to go around her.
Once we'd gone past, everyone looked at each other, trying to understand what had just happened. I found myself trying to emphasize with her, to reach out across the gulf of space and understand what she was thinking making us wait there for no good reason. My best guess is this -
"Oh no you don't, white boy! You enslaved my ancestors. I'm gonna make you wait! Oh yes I am white boy! Just you watch. I'm gonna make you wait!" - bitchy black woman no. #3
In fact...look, I hate to write this, but my god, how do you run a country full of black people? I don't know if its because they really do have an average IQ of 85 or due to severe cultural collapse, but Jesus Christ does this society look fucked.
Washington was the worst. The apartment we were staying at was only a mile or so from the capitol, but to walk five minutes to the nearest supermarket we'd go down a street that seemed to be populated by little other than idle black people standing around swearing at each other all day.
I thought visiting America might dispel some stereotypical notions of its people, but it actually confirmed them. My favorite was an enormous, fat African woman who was waggling her finger at another black guy and shouting at him (word for word) "Oh no! You are not cheating on me! I'm gonna get my ass, all in your face!"
I honestly didn't know there were people in America who talked like that. Does everyone secretly think they're getting filmed for a reality TV show or something? (Then again, you kind of are...)
Another time, getting on the subway in New York, someone bumped up against an old black guy. He started screaming about something (he was hard to understand) and a few other black guys nearby needed to calm him down ("On no man! You are too old for that shit! Let it go!")
Then again, there were a fair few crazy white assholes as well. At the same Broadway show, my mother apparently bumped the chair in front of her when she shifted her knees. This immediately prompted the dumpy-looking woman in front to turn around and say "Excuse me! Will you stop kicking my seat?" Even on the way out, two hours later, she cried "Excuse me!" when I happened to bump into her - the same woman.
Honestly, America seems to be the sort of place where people will turn to you and say "Excuse me! I'm talking!" with a straight face...outside of a kindergarten.
Having said all that, there were some perfectly nice people as well, even a black train driver who gave us directions on the NY subway, or a couple who let us use their phone when we became separated in Central Park (though I think they might have been tourists). I also didn't feel particularly unsafe at any point. People had advised me to watch my wallet and not hold a camera out where someone could snatch it, but New York seems to have been thoroughly cleaned up since crime peaked in the 1980s.
Everyone's trying to scam you
This one almost goes without saying. Aside from the accursed Dollar Rent A Car, we encountered a girl in Times Square trying to sell comedy tickets. They seemed cheap, but upon further questioning she had to admit there was a "two drink minimum" and that the drinks would be around $10.
Another guy was hanging around the base of the Empire State. We had the New York City Passes (which some have called a scam, but as we went to pretty much everything I think they did save us a little) and he told us we should upgrade to a better pass or else there'd be a "two hour wait" to get the top...it took us about twenty minutes.
One other observation I'd make is that, somewhat to my surprise, the women around here were actually quite beautiful. This observation might cause some to choke on their hot pockets. Maybe Australian women are just worse by comparison, but there seemed to be an unusual density of 8s and 9s, particularly in New York.
Then again, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. A city full of rich, arrogant assholes is bound to attract a swarm of thieves, swindlers and whores.
In conclusion
I'll preempt the inevitable comments that I only had two weeks to form these impressions, and only visited six states up in the North-East. Maybe people in California or Texas are perfectly nice, but these observations seem to apply anywhere near New York or Washington, and there are plenty of other anecdotes of weird, crazy shit I didn't have room to mention.
So far, the place looks about as I thought it would. America seems to be a country that's still immensely prosperous - but just generally dysfunctional. Its the sort of place where they would deliberately neglect to build public toilets in a park...then fine people for peeing in public.
But it wasn't all bad either. In many areas you actually have less regulation than Australia. About the only people we saw wearing bike helmets were police officers for instance. It was refreshing to drive 70 in a 55 zone and still be getting overtaken. In Australia everyone sticks 5km/h below the speed limit because speed cameras are everywhere. It was also nice to do things like buy alcohol in a supermarket or turn right at a red light, and the 4th of July was crazy as well.
So yes, there are still many awesome things about America, but there seems to be a definite strain on its people that you see everywhere, and I think I'd go mad in about six months if I lived there.
